Rice, paella, feel me?

As you know, English food is Feesh and Cheeps, Portuguese food is bacalao, Turkish food is Doner Kebab (or durum if you once went outside your house) and Spanish food is paella. without chorizo apparently…who knew?

obviously I’m being sarky…English food is the best in the world, Portuguese chicken is the dogs bollocks, there are about 400 different kebabs as well as everything else in the Osman mutfak (ottoman kitchen)…and there are different types of paella.

there’s the type you get free with a tapa outside a tourist spot, that is overcooked and theirs the type that you pay for in tourist spots that is overcooked and costs bair geld.

but actually…in the kingdom of Valencia, they take pride in their paella…which in their language (Valenciano) they pronounce without the L sound. weird I know.

What tourists think of paella it is a rice dish which includes chicken and seafood of some description. Valanecian paella is made using rabbit and snails. there’s paella from Alicante that is cooked in the oven and is finished off with baked egg.

There used to be a non-joke for non-madrilenes in Madrid, if anyone asked them where they could find a decent paella in Madrid, the answer was “Valencia”….Valencia is 5 hours drive from Madrid unless you drive like a coked up Spanish driver and then its less than 4 hours. its less than 2 hours if you’re not a cunt and take the train, or 74 hours if you walk.

but…you can actually find a decent paella in madrid. Shall I tell you where?

between la Latina and the rastro, you’ll find alliolli

Calle de Carlos Arniches, 14, 28005 Madrid

best to make a reservation as I;ve tried to go there a few times and has been full. also, with paella anywhere…you have to be more than one person….one person isn’t allowed to order paella…sorry widowed lady, you’ll have to remarry…so bros could order no problem, but Michael Jackson wouldn’t be able to….ok, for the moment that’s probably a good thing. also the rice dish you choose will take about an hour to cook, so you can let them know beforehand or just be a less greedy fucker and enjoy the very reasonably priced house wine (9euro a bottle and really nice)

My partner and I started with a bottle of wine and then tempura of vegetables


the aubergine with honey was particularly great. the portuguese invented tempura. and the umbrella.


then we got paella seniority (with fish and prawns) eaten off the paella directly. second bottle of wine obvs.

I dont dessert and the chocolate cake, brownie, whatevs, was packed with evil nuts anyway. glass of valencian digestif which was refilled.

I dont tend to notice service unless they dont bring me food or wine or overcharge me….but I have to say, exceptionally friendly service.

highly recommendable.